How to Create Healthy, Loving, Empowered Relationships

Everything is about Relationship. Between you and anyone, or anything, there is a relationship.

Whenever there is a relationship that is out of sync or out of harmony there is a hidden conflict that is causing the issue or problem. Our challenge is to find the source of the conflict, bring a higher level of consciousness to the situation, and re-establish a healthier, empowered alignment within the relationship.

 
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In this post we’ll cover:

  • 3-Universal Fears in Relationships

  • 4-Pillars of Relationships

  • 3-Steps to Creating Better Relationships

3-Universal Fears in Relationships

All of our relationships are a direct reflection of how lovable we feel inside. Though, it helps to know that we all have fears hidden within that rear their “not good enough story” at times - in fact there are three universal fears that are common in most all relationships.

1. Abandonment

  • Fear of losing the relationship: death - divorce - being left behind

  • Fear of separation: being left behind - being discarded

  • Receiving inadequate physical or emotional care

2. Meaninglessness

  • A superficial relationship that appears to be going nowhere or is without sustenance

  • Feeling as if you are a burden

3. Overwhelm

  • Fear of too much intimacy or the feeling of being intruded upon

  • Feeling trapped or out of control

  • Fear of being blamed

Unfortunately, anger is the feedback mechanism or the “pattern” for how we unconsciously manage those fears.

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We all long for the safe zone with our partner. However, the original primitive parts of our human brain are programmed for survival. When we perceive something as a threat we respond instantly, without the more advanced parts of our brain having the time to analyze if the threat is real and what more civilized or diplomatic approach we could use. Partners set off each other’s primitive survival instincts by certain “threat cues.” Those can be certain words, certain tones of voice (volume, speed, intonation) and other subtle body signals (for example breathing, sighing, a pause in speech, eyes rolling).

Our brain’s primary function is to insure that we are safe. Some people keep safe through fight (anger) others through flight (retreat/closing off/autonomy). Couples can learn what cues set off their fight or flight response and what signals set off their partner’s, and learn how to help each other to feel safe.

A good starting point to improve a particular relationship, whether it’s with a primary love partner, family member or a friend, is making changes within one’s own self, which leads us to the 4-Pillars of relationships.

4-Pillars of Relationship:

An individual is always responsible, and can only be responsible, for their half of the relationship. If you wish to change the way you interact with someone or something, the first thing you must do is discover the true nature of your relationship to it, and make changes within yourself. Then, when there is any change in the relationship, whether it is an energetic one or a shift in perspective, it changes both parties or participants. Let’s take a look at these four pillars…

1. Relationship with Self: All relationships need a foundation in order to succeed. The foundation begins within you and the relationship you have with yourself. We cannot give something we don’t have, so first we have to have it within.

 
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When we are in right relation with ourselves, we can more easily be in right relation with others.

“The quality of our relationships are a direct reflection of the quality of our relationship with ourselves.” ~ Hal and Sidra Stone

If we don’t feel love or respect for ourself it is difficult to give it to someone else. If we don’t trust love from others, we safe-guard our heart, and if we feel separate from others, because we are protecting ourselves, then it is more difficult to let down our guard and connect with others. If we don’t feel safe or supported within, it is difficult to offer a safe, secure, authentic, space for relationship with another. If we don’t feel heard, it is difficult to truly listen to another. So we need the foundation within ourselves and then we have it to offer others.

Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) said, “We see things not as they are but as we are.” What we see in other people is how we are - meaning that people reflect to us what we think and fear, and most importantly, how much we love ourselves.

The author Robert Holden, in his book “Loveabilty: Knowing How to Love and Be Loved” states that, “When we meet each other we also meet ourselves. This is the Mirror Principle that operates in every one of our relationships. And because we always meet ourselves, we can also observe that in every relationship, and even every interaction—at the most basic level—there are only two things really happening. Either we are extending the basic truth ‘I am lovable’ or projecting the basic fear ‘I am not lovable.’”

When we lose sight of the truth that we are lovable just for ourselves, we project that fear onto others. Without that essential feeling of loving ourselves, we cannot live successful relationships. Self-love turns our romantic partnerships into truly fulfilling relationships of loving each other unconditionally. Self-love is the basis for parents to love their children without conditions, without endless sacrifice or guilt. Self-love is needed to give to people without neglecting ourselves. Self-love guarantees that we truly give from the heart without ulterior motives.

2. Relationship with Others: We are literally hardwired neurologically to connect with others.

 
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Many times our relationships with others are good, but then something happens to push our buttons, stress us out, and tests the very nature of our relationship with them. And, one of the fastest ways to personal growth is being in relationship - not just being in a relationship with our significant other, but in all of our relationships. Every time we learn from a challenge or something that has pushed our buttons, every time we learn to cope with a situation, it creates a shift within us and we grow.

3. Relationship between Couples:

 
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There are eight characteristics that are common to all relationships, but two that differentiate friendship from intimate partnership.  

8 Characteristics Common to Both Friendship and Love:

1.     Enjoyment of the Other

2.     Respect

3.     Trust

4.     Understanding

5.     Confidence

6.     Acceptance

7.     Mutual Assistance

8.     Spontaneity

2 Characteristics differentiating Intimate love from Friendship:

1.     In an Intimate Relationship, an individual is more willing to champion the cause of the other, for that person is more deeply invested in the other’s well-being.

2.     A person who is in an intimate relationship is more likely to offer up personal sacrifice for their beloved than for a friend.

4. Relationship with Divinity, which can include our inner divine feminine or masculine self as well.

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The Beloved resides within our heart. It is experienced when we are in complete harmony with the Source of All Life.

It is also experienced when we have brought our inner masculine and feminine energies, our inner god and goddess, into divine balance. With this energetic sacred marriage, balance is achieved, and our kundalini channels awaken. We feel whole, complete, and fulfilled by our own essence of love. We are no longer in need of anyone outside of our self in order to be and feel loved. We may consciously choose to share our essence of love with someone, but we no longer do it from a place of lack or ego desire; we do so out of our soul’s desire to share love, and/or to fulfill our soul’s divine plan. Therefore, we are able to give up the search for a true love outside of our self, and let the Beloved be found within. When you have balanced your inner masculine and feminine, and have embraced the Beloved within, there is greater space for a true love partner to show up in the physical manifestation.

There are certain steps we can take to improve our relationships.

3-Steps to Better Relationships

1. Reflection

2. Take Responsibility

3. Internalize It

Reflection offers us the insight and opportunity to bring to conscious awareness our values, wants, and desires within our relationships. Relationships have the capacity to bring our past wounds to our consciousness… to make visible what has been hidden from us. Even the best of our relationships can push our buttons from time-to-time - it is for this reason I believe that relationships offer us the greatest potential for our self-growth.

Ways we can reflect:

  • Journaling - Reflection questions necessary for personal growth, though seldom asked of ourselves are…

    Q: Of every projection we much ask ourselves; What disowned energy is the other person mirroring to us? What does this say about me?

    Q: What am I asking of the other person that I also need to ask of myself?

    Q: What childhood experiences are being triggered?

    Q: What does it take to keep our-self or the other feeling safe in the relationship?

    Q: What messages about myself am I receiving: that I’m not good enough, I’m a bad person, I can’t do this, I’m not feeling respected

    Q: Have I been ignoring my feelings when I am uncomfortable, hurt, overwhelmed, not feeling loved?

  • Receive messages from our inner wisdom for guidance.

Take Responsibility for your own self, for your half of the relationship, instead of blaming the other. Most any area we experience difficulty in will be improved when we do our own inner work. We want to take action to heal within ourselves the things that challenge or trigger us. This exploration of consciousness is a continuous process and a way of life.

Ways we can take Responsibility:

  • Taking responsibility means changing the things we can change.

  • Making choices of what life-enhancing beliefs we want for ourselves and decide to change our limiting beliefs about ourselves, the other person, and the world in general.

  • Having the willingness to face our emotions and heal our own emotional wounds.

  • Noticing how we communicate with others about our essential human needs that are not being met. And, if that communication is not going well, learn how to connect with our needs, express them and find ways to get them met.

  • Being aware of how we are communicating with others in general: What is the tone of our tone of voice like? Are we using passive-aggressive behaviors? Are we coming from the little child self inside of us? Are we reacting from a shadow-personality?

  • Being ready to learn ways of conflict resolution communication.

  • Being clear and knowing what we want in our relationships and what values are most important to us, so we can nurture relationships that are in harmony with the values we hold dear.

Internalize It by doing the processes to heal within.

  • Program your Subconscious Mind with life-enhancing beliefs.

  • Language of Creation Process: A way of communicating with your subconscious in the language it understands and also communicate with the living essence of the field that surrounds you.

    {NOTE: If you don’t already know how to program your subconscious mind with life-enhancing beliefs -or- how to speak the Language of Creation (the language your subconscious mind can understand) you may learn how to do this in the online course Unlocking Your Potential - it is a very thorough course for only $33 USD!]

  • Relationship Alignment: A facilitated energetic process that is one of the most powerful ways I know of for finding out what is out-of-sync or out-of-harmony that is contributing to a conflict, issue, or challenge to be resolved in relationships. Whether it is within yourself, with your significant other, child, sibling, parent, friendships, or with others you interact with. Then making energetic, transformational shifts that supports us towards a healthier state of being.

  • Blessing of Forgiveness: A facilitated process that helps you release emotional wounds around past experiences that adversely affect your life and to reclaim the power to decide how the past affects your present life.

  • Heart-Armoring Removal: A facilitated process designed to release the energetic Heart-Armoring that 85-90% of all people have, and open to greater aspects of love, connection, and fulfillment.

  • Ancestral Lineage Healing: A facilitated process for the times when you believe there may be inherited generational imprints or wounds contributing to how you interact within your relationships and to clear the molecular scars from your DNA and life.

    {NOTE: The Relationship Alignment, Blessing of Forgiveness, Ancestral Lineage Healing processes (or even the Language of Creation and Life-Enhancing Belief Changes if you don’t want to take the time to learn how to do them) may be scheduled with me simply by sending me an email: Dhebi@theHeartAndSoulAcademy.com}

This blog post contains much of the information Angelika Baum and myself presented in our webinar “Healthy, Fulfilling Relationships” that originally aired on June 29th, 2017, for promoting the Relationship Energetics workshop. Though, I felt much of this information was valuable to stand on its own, outside of the workshop setting. I’ve re-posted the original webinar below if you’d like to watch it in full.

I look forward to connecting with you again soon. Until next time,

~ Dhebi


Watch the “Healthy, Fulfilling Relationships Webinar” presented by Dhebi DeWitz and Angelika Baum that originally aired on June 29th, 2017.

 
 
 
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